


Swimming Through the Ashes of Another Life

by MidnightRedHead



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23600917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightRedHead/pseuds/MidnightRedHead
Summary: Loki was not whole upon his return...and he never would be again.**Trigger warning - Suicide**
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	Swimming Through the Ashes of Another Life

**Author's Note:**

> Please take care in reading this.

"We are going out for nattmal, brother. Join us."

Loki looked up from his book, barely regarding his older brother before he simply looked back to the pages. No verbal response would be given, not that Thor had really expected one. Loki's vocabulary had consisted of only one word answers since his return. Thor found himself yearning for those but they were few and far in between. 

"I will bring you something back then."

There was one last look, blue eye full of longing, and then Thor closed the door.   
  


* * *

Loki stood and walked to the window, solemnly watching the group get into one of Stark's chauffeured vehicles. As the black SUV exited the gate, Loki lowered his head. His bare feet moved across the floor in a silent trek to his room. He did not spare the shared common area a second glance before closing the door behind him. 

You see, nothing had purpose anymore. There was no  _ feeling _ since his return. He came back empty, hollow. He was just a shell. And, given the life he had led prior to his death at Thanos' hand, he was beyond repentance. 

He was beyond repair. 

He was nothing more than a burden.

He organized his things the way he liked them. He showered, carefully avoiding the mirror as he brushed damp raven locks. His hair had gotten so long. With a wave of his hand, Stark’s A.I. was now only able to see him sleeping; nothing out of the ordinary. He couldn’t have the disembodied voice alerting Thor and his comrades too quickly.

In lieu of using his seidr, he put on each piece of his ceremonial armor, taking his time to run his fingers over the cold metal and leather. If only he could get  _ something _ from it. Unsurprising, there was nothing. Securing the clasps of his cape, he strode over to the spellbook on the desk, devoid eyes scanning over the notes he had written. Satisfied that he had the knowledge he needed, he allowed the book to ignite, curling in on itself in the center of a green-gold flame which extinguished the moment the last of the pages turned to ash. He left a simple note, no  _ real _ explanation. Instead the note explained the futility of attempting to once again revive him. Where Thanos had been wrong, Loki was being thorough.

Loki placed his helm on the bed, beside the pillow, and carefully laid himself down on his back. He took several deep breaths, calming his racing heart.  _ There  _ was something: fear. Shameful, consuming fear. Closing his eyes, he pushed it aside, speaking the words to his spell even as the fear pounded against his defenses, desperate to stop him. His body began to glow in shimmering waves, the pain beginning its assault deep within the pit of his stomach. It began to consume him from the inside out, his very core dissolving into nothing. Sweat collected on his skin and tears in his eyes, blending and rolling down onto the pillow. Still, he chanted, through clenched teeth, moments away from the final word. 

He could still stop this. He could find another way. He could leave Thor with some sort of hope that Loki could be brought back to him.

Thor.

He was assaulted with a wave of memories as the last word left his lips. Their childhood, adventures with the Warriors Three, Thor’s ruined coronation, Stark Tower, Svartalfheim, Ragnarok, Thanos, and resurrection. They all came together in a blur, Thor’s voice prominent in his mind as his seidr acted as acid, eating away his very soul so there was nothing left to salvage. 

No Valhalla. 

No Helheimr. 

Loki would simply cease to exist.

Thor would be free.

  
  
As his final breath hitched, he smiled, though it did not linger.

_ “Goodbye, brother.” _


End file.
